Call Me "Big Dave"

A few days ago, I was having coffee with a friend. During our discussion, which covered topics ranging from the personal, to family, business and sports, he mentioned a guy he knew that everyone called “Big Steve." I can’t recall the context, but when my friend introduced me to this character, he followed up with, “I’m sure you can imagine how he got the nicknames ‘Big Steve.’” (I could.)

Anyway, the topic at hand, as well as the character of Big Steve, came and went, and within a few minutes, we were onto other things: football, the rising prices of something-or-other, why certain body parts always hurt … usual fodder for men of a certain age.

Then, hours later, as I puttered around the house, doing random tasks, my brain retrieved (on its own, with no prompting) the “Big Steve” discussion. And I envisioned this massive guy who truly earned the nickname. It made me chuckle as I thought: “What if I were to start calling myself Big Dave?”

Now at  5’7” (unless you are a specific nurse at a specific clinic who, in 2024 insisted that I’m 5’6”.), I’m one of the last people to have a nickname that starts with “Big.” “But that’s the whole point,” I thought to myself. “It would be funny.”

*****

Aside: Here’s how the conversation proceeded with the aforementioned nurse who pegged me at 5’6”:

Me:         “I can’t be 5’6”! My driver’s license indicates I’m 5’9”, so I must be 5’7.”

She:       (deadpanned, uncaring, not playing along) “The ruler doesn’t lie.”

She then pointed to the scale without additional comment and proceeded to record a weight that seemed four pounds too heavy for me. (Maybe the ruler doesn’t lie, but your scale … ?)

*****

Anyway, I started to see both the idiocy and the comedy of this “Big Dave shtick”  (often two sides of the same coin, and my best friend/cousin Mike often talk about that at great length … a conversation that would, no doubt, become boring and tedious for you after just a few minutes, but we have a long history of  hour-long discussions on topics like this and many others).

Oh, what a parody I would be, ironically prancing around, Napoleonically announcing my self-imposed nickname to anyone and everyone.

Example: Joanie and I are at a work function of hers, and we sidle up to some of her co-workers. “Oh, hi everyone,” she’d say. (“Hi Joan!”) “Oh, David, this is (she goes around the small circle, identifying various individuals whose names I will try desperately to remember later). And everyone, this is David.”

They nod and smile. “Hi everyone. Great to meet you. I’m David, but you can call me Big Dave.” (All conversation stops; Joanie, caught completely off guard, doesn’t know what to say, but her facial expression tells a perfect––and tragic––story.)

Example: “Hello, you’ve reached Big Dave. I’m not available to take your call right now …”

Example: “Good evening. I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate the life of Charlie. I’m David, a.k.a., Big Dave––not sure if you’ve heard about the recent name change––and I’ve been asked to say a few words on behalf of the deceased.”

Example: Nametag at a business conference: “Hello my name is … Big Dave.” Head turning? Yes. Memorable? Of course. Impressive? Need I say more?

I could go on, but you can see the impact this small name change could have on my persona and my life, not to mention those around me (a group which would no doubt quickly diminish––save for best friend/cousin Mike who, like me, has never met shtick he didn’t wanted to beat into the ground).

Because if you’re going to do something like this (think Madonna, Lady Gaga, Sting, Bono, etc.), you have to really lean in, so simply calling myself Big Dave wouldn’t be enough. I’d also need to display it wherever and whenever possible.

Get a tattoo of my new moniker. Buy license plates (BIGDAVE22); get a hoodie or jersey from my favorite team with “Big Dave” across the back.

I also feel like every time I entered a room, I’d have to yell, “Big Dave is in the house!” until that time (weeks or months later, assuming anyone is still talking to me) when someone in the crowd would yell (unprompted), “Hey everyone, it’s Big Dave!”

On my birthday, who wouldn’t LOVE to sing, “Happy BIRHDAY, Big Dave ….”

And for those just meeting the 5’7” (or 5’6”) me for the first time, and questioning my nickname, the answer would be simple: “I’m sure you can figure out why they call me Big Dave.” (They wouldn’t.)

So, while I’ve always preferred to be called David, I think maybe it’s time to shake things up, test the waters … step up to the plate and make the decision to be “Big Dave.” 

I’m sure my family will love it.

© 2025 David R. Haznaw